A Guide to Giving Advice
If I can give you one piece of advice about raising children, it's to think twice about giving advice.
A little while back, I was at a party for a friend's little girl. The Husband and I were chatting to some expectant parents who only had a few weeks until their little one arrived. I was talking with Mum To Be when I heard The Husband pipe up “If there’s one piece of advice I can give you...” I cringed, and saw the slow glaze over of Parents To Be’s eyes, then remembered how often I complained about those words in the lead up to, and early days after Cheeky Monkey's birth.
After we left the party I spoke with The Husband about how we feel when we’re offered advice, but also how important it is to only offer your experiences and anecdotes when asked or conversation allows. I think you can't just word vomit at people, it pisses them off and they’re less likely to take on board anything you say regardless of how valuable it may actually be.
The Husband vehemently disagrees with my stance and says people should be grateful for any advice they can get. But then he is also ‘that person’ who casually mentions how lucky they’ve been with their baby’s eating/sleeping/pooping/existing and conveniently forgets the times when our Cheeky Monkey was more Spawn of Satan. So I smile, nod and try to steer conversation back to a safe zone before someone pitches a soiled nappy at his head.
I cannot even count how many times I moaned about being offered people's anecdotes and tidbits of wisdom when I was expecting, but surprise myself now how much I have to hold myself back from doing the same thing. One of my closest friends is due to have her first baby in two weeks and I have had to really pull myself back, and keep myself in check. It can feel so natural to drop bits and pieces into conversation when you’re talking about babies anyway. Despite my efforts I’m sure if you asked her, she would say all I do is tag her in articles on Facebook and wax lyrical about how fantastic blahdy-blah is.
Everybody’s experiences of parenthood are different, and people's opinions on the way they’ve done things are usually very strong. One thing I never really understood before I was a mother is how different babies respond to different approaches. What works for my Cheeky Monkey may not work for your Little Chicken. Their little personalities start to show very early and I know the only way I’ve stayed sane is by listening to the million and one top tips and snippets of advice from other people's experiences and taking what fits when I need it to. I now know that even if something didn’t work for Cheeky Monkey it may be worth keeping in mind for my babies of the future.
If you can't restrain yourself and have to pass on a pearl of wisdom keep these things in mind:
1. Keep it relevant to what you’re actually conversing about. People don’t want to be chatting about the newest trendy foodie joint and have you pipe up about how great you think placental encapsulation is. Not only will they want to vomit in their mouths a little but they will probably totally switch off.
2. Ask if the person wants your advice, if they don’t then stop talking immediately and definitely don’t get braggy.
3. Keep in mind that some topics are potential landmines. Discussions around Crying It Out, Extended Rear Facing, and any judgement on feeding or birthing options can get people's backs up very quickly, tread carefully!
4. Keep it simple. Don’t ramble on for ages with a detailed anecdote if you can get to the point without it, you’ll lose your audience.
5. Think about what you’re saying before you say it. If you sound like a smug prick, abandon ship!
Aimee Toby
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